Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Eruptions, Eh?

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned… It’s been 7 days since my last post…

It’s just that the news have been so empty of anything but noise, so we had so little to post. Aside from the anniversary of the “Stupid War” (or is it operations “Morons in charge”?), we have;

Celle St. Cloud (Dud)

… Sarko calling Hezbo' terrorists (Duh)

… Syrian-sponsored “Eruption” (Doh!)

The last one reminds me of where we were back in the 60’s and 70’s, when the “Theatre de 10 Heures” ruled the Lebanese comedy roost. It was a time of smart(er) jokes, when Lebanese singers still had voices, and politicians were never taken too seriously, and when, while we partied, the country was gearing up for war…

Before their last hurrah, they came up with one more masterpiece of Lebanese humour, deliciously Un-PC, eminently untranslatable (not even in Arabic), and utterly disrespectful. Without further delay, here it is, in “Lebanese”;

The Epic of the Fart

The PLO:

ألّو الأوّل للتّاني

في فيدائي بِ شروالي

ألّو التاني للالأوّل

ما تخلّي يتجوّل

The Ain El Remmaneh Bus:

آم التّاني معط فصّ

كلّو عظمِه و متاني

ٳنشئّ شروالوا بل نصّ

و وِلعت عين الرماّنه!

The “Kataeb”:

تدخّل الشّيخ Pierre بلنصّ

ألّون "جيبولي فلاني،

"جيبولي صاحب هلّ فصّ،

تنشوف إج كان لبناني"

The “Ahrar”:

ألّو الرّيِّس Dany:

"إنسيلي هويِّة هلّ فصّ...

خدا منّي أماني"

ألّو الشّيخ وعمّ ب غصّ:

Lawlessness Spreads:

"ne me dit pas"

كاني و ماني!!

"ce sont des voyou" و كمّ لصّ

الحالي صارت خرباني

The Fighting Starts:

إمتدِّت ريحت الفصّ

لوصلِت عَ الدِّكوانه،

من البسطا لل دكوانه

صارت الحالي خرياني...

Enter the Mufti…

آمت الدِّني فوقا تحتا

و التَّجمُّع الإسلامي

أكَّد إنّو هيدا الفصّ

من أساسو علماني!

Enter Kamal Joumblat…

جمبلاط أكّد للعباد

إنّو الفصّ أمركاني!

و هيدا دليل الفسيد

بِِل النِّظام اللّبنيني!

Businesses Are Sacked:

و سرؤا كلّ شي ب ينبيع

من Bank لَ دكاّني

كلّ خاروف شيف حالو ديب

و فاتح حلوا دكاّني!

Mafia(s) Take Over…

و سرؤا كلّ شي لأطا

و جونيه صارت مليانه...

إي مين آل إنّو ضرطا

بتعيِّش كسرويني!!!

…… Sadly, the Epic’s still on.

So hold your noses,

and prepare to run…

Or am I the only one to note that all the illustrious persons quoted above are RIP, except for the Mafias?



thx for the laughs

ghassan karam said...

It is disconcerting that the LAF has not been able to finish the uprising by the FAI gang yet. The first few days were an embaressment of sorts. The live videos caught the confusion and total lack of preparation and total absence of lines of command not to speak of the fact that neither body armour nor adequate weapons were anywhere to be found. I will never forget the picture of an LAF convoy being led by a willeys from the Korean war.
Then to make things even worse the LAF gets the Gazelles with no rockets or adequate training on their use and we learn yesterday that one of the reasons for not moving in decisively on the FAI is the lack of ammunition which was corrected by Egyptian gifts two days ago.
If the above is true then where has all the money for the army been going all these years and what sort of a level of preparedness does it maintain if it lacks the means of dealing with a gang made up of 250 individuals? Isn't there any professionalism to be found in this country at any level?
J, if you are in Lebanon and you have any info about the state of the LAF please share them with us, if you can.

fubar said...

"J, if you are in Lebanon and you have any info about the state of the LAF please share them with us, if you can."

Ghassan, Jeha cannot share any information on the state of the LAF even if he has such information. Sorry, buddy, but your desire to know is trumped by the LAF's need for its multiple ememies not to know.

ali bm said...

funny post Jeha, but i don't share your pessimism. i think that this time around, if any incident like the Al-Rummeneh bus happens the big bosses will clamp down on it like they did in the events in the Arab University of Beirut, or at least i hope they will.
anyway situation is improving around here. people are startoing to go back out and jemmayzeh is full so lets hope nothing bad happens.

Hani said...

I understand that the sitution in lebanon is at its worst...
But your posts used to be more optimistic.
It looks like you've given up on any prospect of something good coming out of the Internationally supported Cedar Revolution.

The lebanese army hasn't received any money since the end of the war in 1990, not even a raise in salaries.

Jeha said...

Mine is not a "rational" pessimism, it is only rooted in a sense of "deja vu".

I fear that far too many politicians are striving to clutch defeat from the jaws of victory, and that something is indeed brewing...

And it will more than a few drunken crowds at Jemmayze to reassure me. Unless it is a drunken beach party at Nahr El-Bared... I'll distill a batch of Arak for the occasion.

Solomon2 said...

In a state with only a weak rule of law, once the fighting starts those who control the warriors find reasons to perpetuate the violence. That's because suddenly only those politicians who command troops are of any importance, and the others become mostly irrelevant because they can't make decisions any more. Furthermore, the new class of war-fighting politicians can usually take advantage of circumstances to gather wealth and prestige. They now have an interest in promoting conflict and will resist any moves towards peace as a threat to their power and wealth.

Outside force is usually helpful in such circumstances - Yugoslavia is a textbook example. Lebanon, of course, chooses to rally behind its sectarian leaders and accept goods from their hands. Israel agreed to a cease-fire last summer because Siniora begged for a "Lebanese solution" to the Hezbollah problem. That brings us to today...

Anonymous said...

great post as usual!

Jeha said...


A wise man once stated that People prefer their own bad leaders to any invader, no matter how well intentioned he packages himself to be. This is our struggle, and we do not need this kind of "help" that Israel or Syria has provided so far. We're halfway out of the mess; Syria's still in, while Israel is out... But it's a tough game for us, in more ways than one...

I am sure that I speak for many Lebanese when I say that siding with a foreign invader against my countrymen is highly unlikely, to say the least.

I am also sure that I speak for all, save for the brain dead and the amnesiac when I say that Israel has lost all credibility in Lebanon. Even its most rabid "supporters" cannot forget the "war of the mountain", the 2000 pullout, and the sheer arrogance of the July war, to say the least...

Solomon2 said...

I am sure that I speak for many Lebanese when I say that siding with a foreign invader against my countrymen is highly unlikely

The Iranians who establish, direct, and support Hezbollah operations are not invaders? The Syrians who plot and bomb are not invaders? The Israelis who successfully established the Southern Lebanese Army were not invaders?

Israel has lost all credibility in Lebanon.

What demonstration of "credibility" did you expect from Israel? Did not the U.N. certify that Israel removed its troops from Lebanese territory? Didn't Israel stop bombing last year when Lebanon pleaded for "a Lebanese solution" to the Hezbollah problem? Didn't Israel try its damnedest to bomb military rather than civilian targets - the opposite of Hezbollah? Did not Israel's savage retaliation last year confirm its stance that unjust attacks and warfare would not go unanswered? Since you are an intelligent and honest person, Jeha, will you consider the possibility that your judgment has been affected by relentless anti-Israel propaganda?

Montesquieu may have been correct for the time and place he lived, but many of those who lived in Europe during the Reformation Wars a century or two earlier would have disagreed, as would many of the Germans who sufferred the terrors of the Hitler regime in the twentieth, or the horror imposed upon minorities by the "Yugoslavian" government a short decade ago.

This is our's a tough game for us...

I don't think there was a struggle before Hariri was assasinated, but I think too many Lebanese have seen their own civil conflict as a "game" to be played to personal and sectarian advantage regardless of national ruin for decades. If you cannot set your values clearly, choose friends wisely, and persuade others to follow in your footsteps then don't you think Lebanon will soon become another Gaza?

Solomon2 said...

A wise man once stated that People prefer their own bad leaders to any invader

Montesquieu, writing in eighteenth century Bordeaux, was correct for his time and place, but his words are hardly a universal truth. Citizens of the Reformation Wars a century or two earlier had different opinions, as did the German victims of the Nazis sixty years ago, or even the French in the later stages of Napoleon's rule. They all depended on and welcomed foreign armies to eliminate the domestic tyrant.

This is our struggle, and we do not need this kind of "help"'s a tough game for us -

Frankly, I don't think there was a "struggle" until King Hariri (he fits Louis Mumford's definition of a king) was assassinated. But the game of Lebanese toying with violence for sectarian advantage and national disaster has taken place for decades, and Lebanese aren't the only victims of the struggle: over 300 Americans and French died in 1982 in an attempt to free your country - an attempt that failed because, after having been invited in to help, the "pro-Western" forces smiled and said, "Now that we got you here, you can do all the fighting yourselves, while we use you as a tool to bargain for more power against our sectarian enemies." Little wonder, then, that the foreign forces were attacked with truck bombs. Is it not to Lebanon's shame that nothing has been done to honor the memory of those soldiers who died in the cause of Lebanon's independence?

I am sure that I speak for many Lebanese when I say that siding with a foreign invader against my countrymen is highly unlikely

The Iranian troops who establish, direct, and supply Hezbollah are not invaders? The Syrian intelligence units who finance bombers are not invaders? The Israeli Army that allied with the Christian-Shiite Southern Lebanese Army were not invaders?

I say that Israel has lost all credibility in Lebanon

What sort of "credibility" did you expect? Didn't Israel use its military to defend itself when attacked? Didn't Israel warn civilians to evacuate and limit its response almost exclusively to military targets - the exact opposite of the Lebanese "resistance" Hezbollah? Didn't Israel stop when Lebanon begged, pleading a chance to find a "Lebanese solution for the Hezbollah problem"? Or did Israel lose credibility because in your heart, you counted on Israel to destroy your enemies, while you sat back and secretly cheered, rather than strive to make peace with your countrymen?

Jeha, you are an intelligent and honest person. Can you consider that the pervasive anti-Israel propaganda you have been exposed to has poisoned your mind over time? Because the nasty thing about such uncountered propaganda is that even if the intelligent person doesn't believe it, a little of it seeps into the head, and the next time he is more willing to believe, and on and on until the person, while still disbeliving much of the propaganda, nevertheless becomes a faithful product of its efforts.

Jeha said...



- It does not have to be either/or; I can oppose an Israeli invasion without approving Syria's or Iran's.

- Israel is not credible, and neither is Syria, the US, or Europe. It is a widely shared perception in the Middle-East. Their leadership seems to think that history starts and ends with the news cycle. In Lebanon, this is further reinforced by a history of mistakes, misdeeds, or cowardice that started before the July war, and does not seem to end with it. I have yet to see proof of policy makers with anything other than a purely "Bitkhonist", "Mokhabarati", or "Security" mindset.

- By stating that you don't think there was a "struggle" until King Hariri" was assassinated, you forget that "l'histoire est faite par la rencontre d'un evenement et d'une volonte". Nothing happens in a vaccum. Nothing is done withour organization. I know; I was there, and so were many others...

- Montesquieu still applies, or he should. And yes, there is such a thing as a "universal truth" that we can get to with some common sense and perspective, without relying exclusively on religious texts. I suggest a curriculum review; "cultural relativist" arguments are so 9/10...

JoseyWales said...

I heard a different and less PC version of verse one (PLO): Instead of :
ألّو الأوّل للتّاني

في فيدائي بِ شروالي

ألّو التاني للالأوّل

ما تخلّي يتجوّل

Last 2 verses were:

Allo el teni lel awal
Dretlak foss bthajro marra tenieh.

Maybe they had two versions, or received some threats. ;)

BTW that very same revue had a hilarious "alphabet" routine:

Alef: Allah...,b bandora......q qaddafi. Can you get your hands on it or post a link??

Anonymous said...

Hazbani said
As an Israeli I do not need or want any credit from any Lebanese. So this credible thing is just empty talk. Soon Lebanon is going to get back at least part of Sheba farms, this is good very good. Then Lebanon and every people and all inside her borders should try and not shoot at Israel and try and clean, as much as possible, all anti Israeli alien military bases from Lebanese soil. At this very moment Syrian tractors are building anti-Israeli fortifications in the Beka and they know why. They plan that any comming war will be on Lebanese soil. At the same time, now that is, Persian experts are building anti- Israeli missile bases also in Lebanon. This is the problem of Lebanon versus Israel not crediblity and credit rating. As for the missiles they can also fly west and or north or any other direction just as they do in Nahar il Barid. As far as I care the Leb. sould just tell the world that they finished being the tip of the sword of Islam, but who am I to tell them what to do.

Solomon2 said...

"Bitkhonist", "Mokhabarati"

I don't know these terms. Please define them, then I can answer you in full.