Friday, August 31, 2007

Ave, Gluteus! Osculatori te Salutant!

We in the Middle East know so much history, we forget nothing. We have so many proud traditions, we leave nothing behind. But that leaves us with too much baggage, we learn nothing.

Yet our history is full of tales that could help us understand the current system blockages in Lebanon, Iraq, and the enduring stagnation in Syria

Elections, Eh?

The tale is set back during the French mandate. The French had set up an “unicameral” legislature, with some of the seats “assigned”, and others elected; this allowed them to have a more pliant legislature.

Incidentally, this was no less representative that the rival “Syrian National Congress”, whose many members were chosen on wannabe King Faycal’s “selective, rather than elective principle”… Those who forgot that little tidbit were reminded of Great Sister’s methodology in 1992, when she guaranteed herself a more pliant legislature; those who did not get the message were set aside or diluted….

But I digress…

Back to the French…

Having secured their hold, the French had decided to “democratize” the rules a little bit more, and those designated MP’s were up for an actual election for their next term.

One of those Parliamentarians did not appear to care much for his constituents, so the main “notables” in his district gathered in a secret location to discuss their options. It was easy for them to agree that, “even if he osculated their “Gluteii”, one by one, they would never re-elect him”…

Human nature being what it is, one of the persons present decided to hedge his bets, and to report the news to the “Beyk”, and met him in his office in Beirut.

Rat; “Ya Beyk, خربيني!”…

Beyk: “Really!. What seems to be the problem?”

Rat; “Well, the وجهاء got together and agreed that, even if you osculated their “Gluteii”, one by one, they would never re-elect you”…

Lebanon, being what it is, the “Beyk” already knew about this;

“Don’t worry, I have a meeting with the Haut Comissaire; I only have one Gluteus to osculate, and they will all have to osculate my hairy Gluteus one by one”.

And so it happened, the “Beyk” was re-elected, and all lived happily ever after.

The End?

There are two key precepts that emerge from this story;

1- Gleuteus Atomicity; For each given period of time, there are many Osculii, but one Gluteus.

2- Osculii Invariability; For any Gluteus, the Osculii remain constant. This is fair warning to those Gluteii who think they are here forever; the region saw the rise and fall of many empires, and many Gluteii vanished into the dustbin of history. Osculii, however, endured;

Tout flatteur vit au dépend de celui qui l'écoute

What follows is that the little crises we’re enduring in places like Lebanon and Iraq are really due to a change in Gluteus. The various “brown-nosers” are not sure who the next ‘Haut Comissaire’-in-charge will be, and each is banking on the “side” they think can “win”…

One thing is certain; the “Arabists” are in full overreaching mode. Yet it is still not clear whether the winner will be the United States, Iran, Saudi Arabia, France, Syria, some may prefer to stay on the fence and wait this one out…

There will be time enough to osculate the winner of all this.

But one thing is certain; the Lebanese presidential election will clearly reveal whose hand is strongest, and whether a clear Gleuteus Maximus has established itself in the area...


3 comments:

R said...

hilariously insightful :)

ghassan karam said...

Jeha,
A delightful story that isas witty as witty can be but it is not as applicable in a non sheepel inhabited world.Is Lebanon inhabited by sheepel? You bet we are.LOL

Anonymous said...

It is Hazbani Halucinating.
Sir !
Before your comments on the next subject please notice. After all the if.. but.. it is not the same.. the situation is (was) totaly unlike... you do not know what you are talking about (who does? ). It is the final results is not it?
THE LEB. ARMY IN NAHAR IL BARID DID MUCH BETTER THAN THE BRITISH ARMY IN BASRA. ABOUT THE US ARMY IN BAGDAD? NEXT WEEK. Also better than the Israeli army, lately, comming to think about it.